Hiding as a mandatory behaviour pattern

 "Say what you say,

Do what you do,

Feel what you feel

As long as it's real!"

"Take What You Take" - Lily Allen 

I have a "problem," and it consists on the fact that I always get people to know me once I get confident. It's never really affected me negatively: people around me know who I am, they know I'm uncomfortable with my right-now look and situation, they know the kind of men I'm attracted to, they know how important these things are for me and it's never got me any consequence.

I know, though, as soon as others' opinions get to have more weight, in situations where they could get me hired or fired, I'll eventually have to hide and Heather as she is will have to be reduced to the continent of a tiny box well hidden between my dress and my then-new body. I actually find that terrible, but the it's-weird-so-it's-bad rule has a wide variety of targets, in the center of which there are people with "weird" aspirations and priorities, e.g., me.

The interesting detail comes when I get to take a look at those giving their opinions about me and realise they share the idiosyncrasies they comment. Let's face it: you can be cis, but you can't fall to the 100% of your gender's pressures and musts... well, you actually can, but, well, have fun with the psychiatrist. You can't completely be the norm. Your experiences define you, and unless you've always lived in a variety-free bubble without hearing anything about dreams, aspirations, pleasure or anything that can differenciate one person from another in general, you're probably a pervert who dreams of things that don't exist yet just like me. That's what makes us human.

Of couse it's still a funny idea... I'm writing it down...

So, no, it's not "me," it's not "my" problem. It's everyone's problem. A biased judgement could get any of you homeless in a mid-term future and there are lots of variables that play a role: there are people who will judge you for using make-up, for wearing a fedora, for being a white straight cis male, for being a black lesbian trans woman, for being red-haired, for being too fat as a 50kg person, for being too thin as a 49'999kg person, for being you, for being me, for being any of our teachers or even for being a cat. Anything can be judged and it could be really significant in certain contexts. Of course if I shout "I used to have a penis and I like hairy fat men!" in the middle of my workplace I'm most probably getting more chances to be fired than any of you for, let's say, scratching your head in a corner? It's obvious, but it doesn't imply that your boss couldn't see you, take your scratching as a major offense and fire you. It's unlikely but still possible.

But let's not talk about scratching your head, that could be done by anyone; let's talk about you. I don't know who's reading right now, but I'm pretty sure there's a part of you that people would consider "weird" or "unacceptable" or "bad." It might or might not be related to your life aspirations, sexual likes, hobbies, identity or situation. I'm also pretty sure you're aware of it. First, relax, it most likely hurts absolutely nobody, and that means it's OK. The issue comes with expressing yourself... all of yourself, that too. You can't.

I guess the best we can do now is show the world while we can that we exist with our "weirdness" and "perversion" and we're perfectly viable as progressing and contentable human beings. That's why I express myself with the rest of my social estate (i.e. the rest of students). I like to put my furry drawings right next to my 10 in Biology (yes, the thing has its irony), show someone else I know well and say "this is what I get for being me."

At the end of the day, being Heather is simply wonderful. I like who I am.