Situational loneliness

"No one here to save me drowning,
'cause, baby, you're not here with me...

And I keep calling, calling
Keep calling, cause...

Now my heart awakes to the sound of silence"

"Sound Of Silence" - Dami Im

I'm a bit of a walking contradiction at times. I always tell myself I'm building myself up by expressing artistically, mainly through drawing and writing, and, though I know that's what I should focus on, I still want to commit the psychological suicide entering in a romantic relationship represents.

It seems like an inherent need. When I was in my first relationship, I didn't realize how disasterous it had been until almost a year from breaking up: I had been psychologically abused, kept for the sake of being with someone and finally substituted with a cis girl, and it took me ten months to realize it hadn't been my fault. Even after having been telling myself for so long that "I'm a monster and nobody will ever love me," I still seem to need to force events towards a future relationship of the same kind.

I know I can't blame anyone but me, but I also know I'm far more worth it than the way any man could have treated me in a relationship so far. However, I acknowledge how close to the most I can aspire to that is: I can't ask for someone to adapt completely to my expectations, and nobody's perfect soulmate exists; that's precisely what makes these relationships interesting.

My conclusions from all of my reflections are just that it's not that I must not give up on trying to get a satisfactory relationship: it's just that the only way to win the game is giving up. I know I must give me time to spend on myself, on progressing both as a person and on the things I like to do, on moving forward in my way... But I see myself surrounded by desirable men, by chances, by my own loneliness...

And I keep wondering if there is a chance one of them could approach me.