"You make me wanna die"
"Make Me Wanna Die" - The Pretty Reckless
I have a huge problem: when I hear about what happens in the world, or even what happened in my country in the past, the implications of the happenings being spoken about get stuck in my head. It depresses me, and can chase me for days before the emotional response it creates in me goes away. For that time, I can almost only dream about that, mostly about me changing things. It's really hard for me to convince myself that, at least for now, there's nothing I can do about it, and that the most effective thing I'm to do is relaxing and stop concerning myself in such a way.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't read anything. If I didn't know the things I know and didn't have the convictions I have, I could still live that unconcerned life I lived when all I did was drawing furries and writing stories about them on Wattpad. Life was artistical, sexual, musical, colorful back then, and it didn't involve Kurdish people being bombed by the fascist government in Turkey: it was a blind, self-focused imaginative life, and it was perfect. Wanting to go back to it, though, seems like a disposal of responsibility; nothing is going to be done if nobody cares in the first place.
But I do feel impotent either way. I know there must be something that can be done to induce action by those who can actually have a determining role on the situation, but I don't know what to do. I must keep in mind that I'm underage and unknowing of any association or group with this objective, so there might really be nothing I can do now, apart from trying my best to raise awareness. I know the perfect engagement on this is calmness, keeping oneself together and, without getting obsessed or depressed about the subject, trying one's best to help the cause, but probably I still need a lot of thought to give myself in order to reach it.
I do want to live naively, and I do want to go back to being able to see life the way it was. I do want to help, and I do want to be part of the solution, but I also want my life back. I know it's my mindset that is wrong, but it seems so hard to change or get rid of...
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